


Kahlúa is a Food Group

by ciaconnaa



Series: 12 Days of Irondad & Spideyson Christmas [7]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Gen, Underage Drinking, after party at tony's penthouse, also peter is a bit of a kissing bandit, but it's all innocent and fun c'mon this is me we're talking about, but it's really not that big of a disaster, complete with Pepper Potts and pineapple pizza, the kids get a little drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-17 17:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16979172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciaconnaa/pseuds/ciaconnaa
Summary: The kid grins and then points at Michelle. “I kissed her under the mistletoe.”Ned snorts out a laugh. “Made out. They made out under the mistletoe.”“It’s true," she says. "Definitely one of the more fun parts of that party. But not as fun as when Ned pushed Flash into the pool.”or;Peter, MJ, and Ned get just a little bit drunk at Flash's holiday party and force Tony to deal with the hilarious aftermath.





	Kahlúa is a Food Group

“Let me preface with: this is all Flash’s fault.”

Tony gives an amused snort as Peter and his two friends step out of the elevator. Earlier that week, Peter had offhandedly mentioned that one of their classmates was throwing a holiday party after finals to blow off some steam. And Tony, being familiar with how STEM students typically partied, had told him not to get _too_ drunk. As a joke. Because it’s not like Peter was actually the type to drink.

Or so he thought.

All in all, it’s a pretty amusing end to his and Pepper’s date night.

“Yeah?” Tony grins, stepping aside so the kids can get on through. They aren’t tripping over themselves, but they do seem just a  _bit_ out of it. "How’s this Flash’s fault?”

“He spiked the hot chocolate,” Ned says.

Michelle nods. “And it was _delicious.”_

Tony is still grinning. He can feel Pepper’s disapproving glare at his back and can practically _hear_ the lecture on how he needs to be a parent figure to Peter. Whatever. His kid’s tipsy and it’s _funny._ “How much did you have?”

All three of them hold up three fingers.

Tony closes his eyes. Babies. Sweet, innocent, alcohol virgins. Tipsy off of three cups of spiked hot chocolate. Too pure for this world.

He figures the lecture can wait until tomorrow. Or he can tell May and leave it to her. Or just...let it go. Just this once. In the spirit of Christmas. 

Because it's pretty funny.

“Three whole cups. Wowza. You guys are wild. Come on in, take a seat. I’ll order you kids some pizza and you can tell me all about this _wild_ nerd party. Pineapple for you, Pete?”

“Yep,” Peter declares, running ahead of his friends to join Pepper on the couch. He immediately lays his head in Pepper’s lap and moves her hands to his head, demanding she do that “scratchy head thing” he loves so much. With a roll of her eyes and a smile tugging at her lips, she obliges. “Thanks, Mr. Tony!”

“Oh no,” he’s quick to say with Ned, Michelle, and even his beloved Pepper laugh at his expense. “Anything but _Mr. Tony._ Do I look like a fucking kindergarten teacher to you?”

Michelle answers for him. “No, thank _Christ._ The youth of America would be doomed.”

Ned makes a noise that sounds like an explosion with his mouth, mimicking a mushroom cloud with his hands. Peter laughs some more.

“Tell me about this party,” Tony demands after he’s handed each of the little tipsy toddlers a bottle of water while they wait for the pizza to arrive. Pepper snatches Peter’s before he can grab it and she plays a very entertaining game of keep away for a few minutes. “Who won beer pong, who played spin the bottle, all that fun stuff."

Ned squints at him from his position on the couch; that is, dangling off the armrest, upside down. “Spin the bottle? God, how old _are_ you?”

Tony glowers when Pepper and Peter burst out laughing. It's becoming less funny. He does feel a teensy bit better when Peter laughs himself right off the couch and onto the floor.

Michelle stares him down. “History books say you vouched for your face on Mount Rushmore.” She turns her head to Ned and tips her water bottle, droplets spilling on the carpet. “So pretty old. Also, Abraham crushed it at beer pong.”

Peter raises his hand, scrambling to sit up. Tony waits for him to run his mouth, as usual, but he keeps waving it around like an idiot and Tony rolls his eyes because _goddammit he just said he wasn’t a fucking kindergarten teacher._ He calls on him anyway. “Yes, Mr. Parker?”

The kid grins and then points at Michelle. “I kissed her under the mistletoe.”

Ned snorts out a laugh. “They _made out_ under the mistletoe.”

Michelle grunts out an affirmative as she chugs half her water. “It’s true,” she finally says, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Definitely one of the more fun parts of that party. But not as fun as when Ned pushed Flash into the pool.”

Peter hastens to sit back on the couch, taking his previous position of his head in Pepper’s lap. “When did you do that!?” he cries, both arms flung into the air. “I missed it!”

“While you were making out with MJ.”

His face takes on a goofy expression. “Worth it. Hey, Miss Pepper - “

“We are not _kindergarten teachers -”_

“- have you ever kissed Mr. Tony under the mistletoe?”

Pepper’s face is impressively stoic. “I’ve never kissed Mr. Tony in my life.”

Tony throws a decorative pillow at her and misses; it nails Peter in the face just as he’s taking a sip of his water, and the whole thing dribbles everywhere.

“Gah!” he flails, clawing at his face to wipe the water off. “Are you _trying_ to waterboard me?”

Tony _sputters._ “As a man who was _actually waterboarded,_ I can _confidently say_ I was not trying to do that.”

“Whoops,” and Peter has the decency to look guilty. “I forgot about that.”

“You were waterboarded? In Afghanistan?” Michelle asks, and Tony nods, eyes slanted in skepticism, because he doesn’t really know where this is going and Peter’s friend _kinda scares him._ “Can I get an insider’s opinion? I’m writing a paper on the inhumanities performed by the US military.”

"Mine wasn't done by the US military."

He's ignored. Ned giggles. “Sounds like a long-ass paper.”

Michelle shrugs. “It is. But it’s for my college portfolio.”

Peter heaves a long, suffering sigh, and Pepper is forced to scratch at his head again to get him to quiet down. The kid doesn’t like talking about college. It’s always Avengers this, Avengers that. Tony’s gonna have to strap him to DUM-E and ship him to MIT himself. So it’s nice to hear that one of his little friends actually cares about getting a degree.

“It sucked," Tony finally says when Michelle doesn't stop staring him down for an answer. "I wouldn't recommend it."

"College or the waterboarding?"

He rolls his eyes. "Which college?” Tony asks.

“Columbia. Sociology. Maybe Art.”

Ned gasps. _“Sociological art!_ ”

“Sure.”

Tony gets an idea. He's been planning something for a while, but the right opportunity hasn't come up. AKA, he hasn't found someone with his sense of humor he can trust with this project. Until now. “You’re an artist?” She nods. “What kind of art. Screen printing? Tell me you know how to do screen printing.”

“I can do screen printing.”

“Do you take commissions?”

Peter immediately sits up, his hair sticking up on all ends. “No! I know what you’re thinking! I can hear your  _brain!_ Do not ask her!”

Michelle perks up at Peter’s distress. “Now I do. Whatcha need?”

Pepper laughs as she wraps her arms around a squirming Peter, who looks ready to tackle Tony out of his penthouse window. “Picture this,” Tony announces. “Avengers have got a White Elephant thing going on for the Christmas bash this year, and I thought it would be funny to bring in an Andy Warhol style painting, you know the ones like he did with Marilyn and Mao-"

"I'm familiar."

"And do it with _this_ photo,” and he pulls out his phone, thumbing through his saved files.

He shows Michelle the infamous news picture of Spider-Man coming out of a porta potty, toilet paper stuck on his foot.

“Done,” Michelle says immediately, and Peter _whines._ “Absolutely. I'm so on it. How big do you want it.”

“I’m thinking like...Marilyn Diptych. That’s like what...uh,”

“About 6 x 9.”

Ned laughs. _“Feet!?”_

_"Hell yeah."_

“Don’t do this to me!” Peter curls up into Pepper’s embrace, giving up on the whole out-for-Tony’s-blood vibe. He’s got an impressive pout, but Tony’s grown immune. Okay, no, he hasn’t, not quite, but this Warhol knockoff present prank is too funny. “All of the Avengers are gonna be fighting for that one.”

Tony grins. “That’s what makes it fun.”

“This isn’t even how you play! You’re supposed to bring something heinous that you already own! You aren’t supposed to _pay_ for the goddamn joke gift!”

“Um, have you _met_ me?”

“Plus,” Ned adds, “He’ll have already owned it by the time he brings it to the party. So it’s technically not breaking the rules.”

Tony offers Ned a fist bump.

“Party’s coming up pretty fast, so I’ll need a rush order." He turns to Michelle. "What’s your fee?”

She doesn’t even _hesitate._ “My entire college tuition.”

God, Peter’s friends are something else.

He grins.

“Deal.”

Peter’s eyes almost fall out of his head. “Mi _chelle!”_ His voice is nothing but a horrified squeak.

“What?” she asks. “That’s my fee. He’s willing to pay. This is how business is done, Parker.” She holds out a hand for Tony to shake and he takes it, trying to fight a laugh. “We're done with finals, so I’ll start first thing in the morning.”

“Perfect. Bold and brash color scheme, y'know? Me and Pepper have bets on who’s gonna end up with it and we’re hoping it’s Rogers.”

Peter mumbles something about Pepper being a traitor, but doesn’t move. “Please don’t give an Andy Warhol knock off with my picture to Mr. Steve.” He gives what Tony assumes is supposed to be an intimidating look. “Or I’m bringing my Hello Kitty pajama pants as _my_ White Elephant.”

“You love those too much to part with them.”

Ned leans over and pokes at the arch of Peter’s heel; it tickles, and he laughs. “You own Hello Kitty pajamas?”

“Uh-huh. Mr. Dad over there gave them to me. They’re _really_ soft.”

“Can I borrow them?” Michelle asks.

“Sure,” Peter says. “But I've got a fee of my own.” He puckers his lips dramatically, making a kissing noise.

Michelle quirks a brow. “There’s no mistletoe, bub.”

Peter sobers at that, head falling back against Pepper’s leg. “Ugh. Oh no. What _ever_ will I do now,” he laments, his voice dramatically dry. Then, the exuberance he normally has comes back with a spark as he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a tiny little bundle of mistletoe that Tony guesses he stole from that kid Flash’s house. He tilts his head up and lifts the mistletoe between him and Pepper before he plants a kiss on her forehead. “Mwah! Merry Christmas!”

Tony then has to watch as he carries the mistletoe over to Ned, kissing him on the cheek. When he gets to Michelle, he waggles his eyebrow and makes a slow show of it all until she rolls her eyes and grabs him by his ugly sweater, kissing him firmly on the mouth.

When that disgusting display of teenage puppy love is over, Peter’s head snaps his way, a shit-eating grin on his face.

“No,” he says firmly, shaking a finger in warning as Peter comes closer, mistletoe still in hand. “Don’t you dare.”

“Don’t be like that, you _love_ me -”

“If you kiss me, I’m telling Aunt May you got drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk!”

“Are you sure. Are you really sure. Do you know what you’re trying to do.”

“I’m trying to give you an innocent Christmas kiss _please hold still.”_

“Peter.” Tony finds himself sinking into his armchair as Peter invades his space, lips puckered and hands trying to grab his head. “Peter. Peter.” The ridiculousness of the situation catches up with him and he finally joins Pepper, Ned, and Michelle in laughing. _“Peter!”_

The kid manages to grab his head before he smacks a kiss in his hair, right on the top of Tony’s head.

“Merry Christmas!”

Tony sighs, catching Pepper’s eyes from across the room. She’s smiling. He pulls the kid down into the chair with him and gives him a hug, squeezing him as tight as he can.

“Yeah, yeah." He rubs his knuckles into the kid's hair. "Merry Christmas, brat.”

FRIDAY chimes in with an announcement that someone is at the door.

“PIZZA!” all three kids scream, before they jump up and race each other to greet the delivery boy.

Tony steals Peter’s spot on the couch by Pepper, his head in her lap. He tries not to groan as he hears the kids making a mess of his kitchen, topped off by Ned whispering “Uh-oh” and Peter declaring “Five second rule!” and doesn’t dare look up to see if the kid is actually eating pizza off the floor.

“I take it back,” Tony sighs, just as Peter screams, _MJ_ , _don’t shove that pineapple up Ned’s nose!_ “They are toddlers and I _am_ a kindergarten teacher.”

Pepper snorts. "And by Christ, if the youth of America isn't doomed."

The sound of pizza hitting the ceiling echoes through the penthouse.

She's so right.

**Author's Note:**

> you know the photo I'm talking about....from homecoming...imagine that in the marilyn diptych...and then hanging up in captain america's house...because captain america is an art SLUT and fights for it at the party you know he does. 
> 
> everyone's alcohol tolerance is different. mine is absurdly high so I'm not the best litmus test, sorry, so as usual don't @ me. I figured 3 was a good number for kiddos who haven't had alcohol before. also i don't care if peter can't get drunk bc of his metabolism this is MY christmas fic and I MAKE THE RULES. I say sling 'em back, parker.


End file.
